Dead Horses and Hubcaps
by Working Class Wildcard
Summary: Bottom Line: Jimmy gets crank yanked by a mysterious Troll. Rated T for This Should Be General Knowlegde By Now. Also for Jimmy's language and Johnny being...Johnny. Enjoy!


**A/N: Hey guys hey!**

**I came up with this idea from listening to a crank call on YouTube, called '_Quit Throwing Stuff in Robin's Pool!' _and the chick being cranked reminded me of Jimmy, and…here we are.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Johnny Cakes, we need to talk about the door."

The SaintJesus apartment was stocked full tonight, with the usual gang residing on the colossal couch. The chatter was spread light over the group, with Tunny and Will having their daily argument over which gun was better for combat in COD, Rebecca, Christina, and for some reason Theo in the kitchen making dinner, and Johnny and Jimmy discussing the door.

Again.

"What's wrong with it now, Jimmy?" The son of rage and love questioned. They'd had this conversation more than once, and Johnny was still looking to find a way to end it completely.

The patron scowled. "That's _Saint _Jimmy to you, jackass. And all I'm saying is we need to get a doorstop for it. One of these days there's gonna be a whole in it, and rats will make a nest in it or something. And I don't want rats in my fucking house. It's bad enough with Theo living here-"

"I heard that!" whined a familiar voice from the kitchen.

"You were meant to! Anyway, it'll only cost, like, I don't know, ten bucks? I'll steal it if I have to! There just _cannot_ be a whole in the wall!"

Jesus groaned, fed up with the repetitive conversation. "I said it once, I'll say it again: we have no way of getting the doorstop in the wall. We'd have to call somebody, and we both know why we can't have anyone over here."

A flashback to the drugs in the other room ensued.

"What is it with you and that damn door anyway?"

Jimmy sighed. "It's…a long story."

"I've got nothing but time." Johnny said, in a nonchalant tone as he took a sip of his beer. He knew if he seemed excited, Jimmy would drag this out forever just to torture him. He had to take this slow.

"Well…" he trailed off.

_'TAKE THE BAIT!' _Johnny mentally shouted.

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

_'Damn it!'_

Will and Tunny both looked over at the handset on the other side of the room, and then expectantly at Johnny. Johnny glowered back. He wasn't going to lose this one.

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

No one moved.

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

"Can somebody get that?" called Christina. "We're kinda busy in here!"

"Make Theo get it!"

"Hey! I am _trying _to make my chocolate cranberry soufflé rise to perfection! Now one of you bums get off your lazy ass and pick up the phone!" Theo barked.

Tunny turned back to Johnny. "Well?"

"Well what?" he challenged.

Will feigned shocked. "Dude! Are you seriously going to make this poor, humble, one-legged war veteran hobble all the way over there to answer the phone when he gave up the liberty of walking by himself for your freedom?"

"Yes."

Jimmy stood up. "You know what? Screw you guys, I'll answer it. Damn!"

As he passed Tunny, he heard a murmur of "Someone's on their period." and without missing a beat, kicked the plastic leg out from under his nub, clicked the button on the phone, and put it by his head.

"Hello?"

_"Yeah, you know what?" _the man on the other end raised his voice immediately. _"I gotta beef with you, and we need to settle this right now!"_

"Who the hell are you?"

_"I'm your neighbor! You need to quit throwing stuff in my pool!"_

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

_"It's dangerous! I got kids swimming out there every day and every day I gotta clean it out before they jump in!"_

Jimmy scoffed. Another one of his disciples doing too much LCD and somehow getting his home number. Great. Might as well have fun with it. "Where do you think I live?"

_"Right next door, you idiot!"_

"Don't wanna be an American Idiot~" sang Johnny, the only one paying any attention to the odd phone call.

"Shut it!" Jimmy snapped at him, and turned his attention back to the call. "Well, you _American Idiot, _I live on East 12th Street!"

_"I-"_

"Where the fuck do _you _live?"

_"WHOA! HOLD ON A SECOND!" the man on the other end roared. "Listen! Yesterday I found a goddamn hubcap in my pool, and the day before that I found a dead horse!"_

Jimmy couldn't recall taking any hallucinogens lately, so he had to call bullshit. "Well, I don't give a damn about your fucking hubcap!"

_"WHAT?"_

"You heard me, bitch!" This jackass was starting to piss him off. "Now shut the fuck up! I gotta soufflé to eat!"

_"It's your hubcap, and-"_

_Click! _

Jimmy set down the phone a little too hard and walked back over to the couch. Will and Tunny, after using their Wonder Twin powers to retrieve Tunny's leg, were already back into their conversation, this time arguing over an M80. Johnny, like a good little lap dog, waited for Jimmy to return.

"Who was it?" he asked, careful of his friend's temper.

"Some man whore trying to convince me that I put a dead horse in his pool when I'm 78% sure I didn't."

Jesus smirked. "Sounds like something you would do."

"Yeah, well, I'd own up to doing something that awesome. Besides, the guy said it was his neighbor or some-"

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

"Guys!" Rebecca yelled from the kitchen. "Could you get it?"

Will started to get up; being the closest, but Jimmy stopped him. "No, let me handle this. Nobody crank yanks the Saint and gets away with it!"

Tunny snickered. "Johnny does…"

And just like that, the leg went out the window.

"RICKY JUNIOR! NOOOOO!"

Jimmy held up the phone. "Hello?"

_"Okay, listen. I'll make you a deal."_

"That's my job, pal. Who do you think you're talking to?"

_"I'll make a-"_

Jimmy decided it was time to use drastic measures. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T, I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T, I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T CARE!"

_"Well I do care! Now listen!"_

"I don't live next to anybody!"

_"I'll make a deal with you! You come over and clean it up right now and I won't come over there and kick your ass!"_

"I'LL CLEAN YOU MOM'S POOL YOU SON OF A BITCH! I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T-"

_"WHOA! WATCH YOUR MOUTH! I AM _TRYING _TO GET THIS SOLVED IN A NICE WAY, OKAY?" _the man continued to shout over Jimmy's singing. _"SO GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND CLEAN MY POOL NOW!"_

"Okay, I'll clean your pool alright! I'll bring my bleach and SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!" With that, the King of Forty Thieves hung up.

Again.

This time, he had attracted more attention. "Uh…Jimmy?" Will began, somewhat petrified. "Why were you threatening to shove your bleach in someone's ass?"

"Because the world is stupid."

"Wha-?"

"Never mind." Jimmy sat down again, taking a swig of beer. "It's over, and that jackass better not call here again."

Johnny let out a small breath. "Let's hope-"

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

The three all turned to Jimmy, whose pale face was burning bright red. After a few awkward seconds had passed, Tunny gradually started to lift himself off the couch with only one leg, but Jimmy stretched out a hand and drew him back down.

"No, Tun-Tun, we're gonna let the machine get it."

It rang three more times.

"Guys!" Theo started. "What did I just-"

"THEO, I WILL COME IN THERE AND FORCE FEED YOU THAT DAMN PHONE IN A MINUTE!"

The Representative swiftly shut up, choosing not to mess with the Saint in his wrath.

After a two more rings, the machine picked up.

_"Hey, this is Johnny,"_

_"I'm not sure why I'm here."_

_"…And we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message and we'll get back to you."_

_"Or we think you suck, in which case we're ducking you."_

**BEEP.**

_"Barbra! Pick up the phone, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just mad. It upsets me, okay?"_

Jimmy, never one to back down, sped to the handset and clicked the button.

"I AM NOT FUCKING BARBRA."

_"W-"_

"When will you get that through your thick head?"

"Cock ring!"

"Shut your face, Jesus! Man, you've got the wrong number."

_"Oh…damn…I'm sorry."_

"You should be, you fucking idiot!"

_"I thought you were Bar-"_

_Click!_

And Jimmy hung up.

AGAIN.

"You." He pointed at Johnny. "No more testicle jokes with ladies present."

He nodded, then appeared confused. "But all the girls are in the kitchen!"

"Well, Tunny's present, isn't he?"

"Oh, ha-ha. You're so funny, Jimbo. You should write a novel."

"Already working on it, ma'am."

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

"Oh come the fuck on! Who is it?"

_"Barbra, I'm sorry!"_

"THIS IS NOT BARBRA, YOU MOTHER-HUMPER!"

_"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"_

"Will you stop calling this number?"

_"I just want you to accept my apology first!"_

"I will not accept it! You're a dumbass!"

_"I'm not going aw-"_

"MY NAME IS JIMMY AND YOU BETTER NOT WEAR IT OUT-"

_"I'M NOT GOING AWAY UNTIL YOU ACCEPT MY FREAKING APOLOGY!" _the man howled.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS, YOU CUM BUCKET?"

_"Do you understand me?"_

_Click!_

Jimmy crawled behind the side table and unplugged the phone cord. "Well, that's a problem solved." The Saint flopped down on the couch, satisfied, and closed his eyes for a quick nap. Will and Tunny had gone outside to find Ricky Junior, leaving the two Holy men of the house by themselves.

Johnny, still timid after the screaming, roused the smaller man slightly. "Hey…hey Jimmy?"

He lazily opened one eye. "Yes John Boy?"

"Will you tell me the door story now?" He batted his eyelashes. "Please?"

"No. I'm hungry. Yo Theo! When's dinner?"

"Oh, it'll be ready in a second!" Theo yelled over the girls' stiffled giggles, hanging up the phone. "But you have to get the rats out of the pool first."

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**Hm. I liked that one.**

**Review? AND CLEAN THE POOL.**


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